I’ve hit the belly of the whale. After twelve years of continual harassment, I finally snapped and went off the emotional deep end. I’ve not been able to go a day without breaking into tears through the course of the day. I listen to music constantly so I keep my mind off of everything and when no one’s around to talk to, rather than focus on what needs to be done, I’ve forced myself to sleep so I don’t have to be left to my thoughts. What started out as a very occasional annoyance has become a daily attack.
I am an artist. I am a writer. I find my greatest joy in my ability to think up things not of this world and in the gift that God’s given me to get at least a fraction of that out in a way that lets other people see into my head. I’m far from great but art is a gift I’ve been given and early on I decided that my gift would not be used for anything that went against the one that gave it to me. This is where my troubles began.
The artistic world has always been very liberal in general. This is in part because artists see the world in a different way and in a lot of cases, we want to challenge the way that the world is seen by others. There are many through history that used their abilities in an attempt to glorify God but artistic thinkers fall very easily into the ways of the world. Rather than using their gift to give back to God, they fall into the desire to be loved and accepted, praised and idolized rather than giving praise to God himself. They fall into the world and in order to gain the attention they want, they use their gifts to appease the worst in man rather than to bring out the best in him. History is full of artists that use their ability in the wrong way and it’s no different today. One of my artistic heros is Leonardo Da Vinci. The man was ahead of his time and completely obsessed with God. He wanted to do right by God. He was quoted as saying:
I have offended God and mankind because my work didn’t reach the quality it should have.
Leonardo da Vinci
However, even Da Vinci couldn’t escape coming under fire. He was accused of a variety of things both in his time and in the current age. Some accused him of sodomy, others accused him of madness. All of which he dismissed because he had something more important to keep his mind occupied. Even to this day his character is under attack. Da Vinci was more or less celibate. The ‘act’ disgusted him and as someone who knew very well the mechanics and biology of the human body, one could understand why when looking at ‘the act’ from the eyes of a Godly man and a scientist rather than a lusty human being.
While I’m not accused of any such thing, I am accused of hatred, spite, maliciousness, and a variety of character-demeaning things that just aren’t true. I hold onto my Christian values and I exercise them by controlling the content that I produce in my artwork. I am honest with my views and I don’t try to soften the blow when asked. However, I do not actively seek out these conflicts. I make comments when the topic is presented or I voice my support with like-minded artists. The most recent example is one artist on DeviantArt.com voiced her support for Chik-Fil-A months back when the lgbt community began their boycott on the company for saying that they supported traditional marriage. This was months ago. Two days ago, I got an angry response to my comment and decided it was best to block the person and save myself the trouble of getting into a heated debate to no where. The person created an alternate account and sent me a very profane note. I blocked that account and sure enough, another angry note from a new account popped up. This, sadly, is very common. I am a very strong believer in the Bible. God made himself very clear several times over and his law will always come before man’s law or what man feels should be God’s law. However, I don’t go looking for trouble. If someone posts a journal, a comment, or a piece of art that voices support for something I disagree with or that outright blasphemes, I remove it from my feed and move on with my life. The person never knew I saw it and I just press on. However, those on the other side seem to have no capacity for that kind of civility. If they see something they don’t like they are on the immediate attack.
Frankly, the way I see it, if you aren’t doing something wrong there is no reason to get defensive.
But that aside, I took a step back today and realized that I’m starting to be pulled down into the world. Most artists fall into this because of pride, lust, or greed but my chain is something that’s really been a burden for my my entire life. Wrath.
I don’t have a flight response. If I feel threatened I lock down and face whatever it is head on. When I was younger, this problem was a much larger one. I’ll admit, I wasn’t always gentle with my little siblings and I got into one too many fights. In high school I would make a scene by wrestling with my guy friends in the commons. I’ve tried keeping a cap on it but the anger just festers. I’ve become cold, detached, and my temper sets off at a moment’s notice and fumes for hours. I’ve been praying for God to put peace in my heart and give me clarity so I know how to address my attackers in the way he wants me to but I feel so drug down. I hate asking for help but I need it. If you’re the praying sort, please pray for my wrath to be taken off my shoulders. I want to be one of those people that bursts into praises, singing simply because I can’t express how happy I am for any other reason. I want to love drawing again, I want to fall asleep with only thoughts of God in my head. I want to wake up and know that no matter who hates me, God loves me. I want to be able to tell these people that I love them rather than just blocking them to avoid trouble. I want to be a happy, peaceful, loving person but… I need help.
Please guys, if you’re the praying sort please keep me in your prayers. It hurts to be hated and it hurts worse to know that I’ve been hating right back. I don’t want to be angry anymore.