This is kind of odd, and out of the blue, but this year has been just a nightmare. The stress of it has two of my teeth cracked and in need of crowns. I’m always tired, always anxious, and I’ve just not been happy. I started sinking again today so I brought up inspirational, readings, and started praying very hard. I realized that I am being swallowed up by negativity. Even when I’m standing up for what I believe in, I’m doing it by focusing on the negative. Pointing out the bad in other people, behaviors, and in my shortcomings is not helping me. It takes a lot to admit this.
I’m posting it here because, again, I don’t have a single one place where my friends follow me save for tumblr (I know that’s kind of sad, but you guys all live in different time zones, etc.). I want you guys to help me do something- regardless of your faith, political standpoint, or opinions of me.
If I get negative tell me to stop. I realized that the last time I witnessed to someone, and really touched them, I never pointed out the bad. I gave honest answers, I told him to ask questions, and I focused on the good. I related to the person I spoke to and I ended up witnessing to a whole bus. I never felt more alive, and following that I felt like my heart was on fire. I felt strong and confident. I’ve not felt that since. I want to be able to witness again. That feeling that I touched people, that I helped them, that they saw me for who I am- a believer in Christ- was just a breath of life. Online, I’m an absolute mess. I am very different in person. I’m polite, quiet, forward, but strong but none of that can come off when I’m nothing but text on a screen. I have tried to witness to people online but there’s no humanity there. I don’t want to post political things anymore. I don’t want to get in debates. I don’t want any of that nonsense. I want to post about the good, if I post anything. I realize that not once have I made anyone change their mind on anything online. I just get myself angry. I make my friends angry. I make myself a target and… I don’t want that anymore. I want to feel what I felt on that bus. I want to see someone’s eyes get soft and their tone go from hostile to quiet.
I really wish you guys lived close. Even if I wasn’t witnessing, you’d see someone very different. I think it’s time I start living outside of the net and petty internet debates and start putting my feet on the ground so to speak.
Now…I’m not leaving the net but I am going to unscribe from political outlets from my side. And if I see posts from the other side that upset me, I’ll just unfollow them too. Be it deviantart, tumblr, whatever. If it’s not uplifting or if it goes against the Bible, I don’t want to see it anymore.
Guys, please keep me on track. I don’t want to feel like I’ve been feeling this past year. I want to enjoy the time I have between the summer trips that my family and DLF take and the times I spend away from work and school with my family. I don’t want to let myself get swallowed up by things that, honestly, won’t matter when I pass. The Bible says our treasures are in heaven. Earth is the only hell I will ever know, and I need to keep that in mind.