If I can claim one skill and say that I have mastery over it, it’s my ability to bottle up my emotions and press on. However, every dam has a breaking point and last night I think I hit mine. I went to bed feeling like I’d had a sucker punch to my gut and I couldn’t get my mind to quiet itself enough to sleep. I laid awake all night, trying hard to distract myself enough to fall asleep. Now and then I would wake up, never remembering when I’d actually fallen asleep, and get back on the mental track I’d been fighting before I fell asleep. This morning, all I want to do is go home, lay down, and scream.
What am I good for? Nothing. I have no practical real world skills, I hate being social, and I don’t have a creative bone in my body. I can’t invent anything, I can’t market myself, my creativity is on par with the author of Twilight, maybe less, and my skills in art are laughable at best. It feels like everything I’ve worked for, everything that I’ve ever once taken pride in or fallen back to assuring myself that I’m good at has been exposed as a joke. I’ll likely never get into a field with animals, I don’t have a lot of the natural talents or the social resources to do so.
Maybe I’m being hormonal or maybe everything’s just coming to the surface all at once. Yesterday I couldn’t stop crying. I finally broke down over breakfast with my mom because two of my grandmothers died without seeing their eldest grandchild do anything worth while. Both likely passed away knowing I’d never be anything. My grandfather is disappointed in me, and I know my dad isn’t impressed with his eldest. Let’s face it- I’m worthless. I’m great for keeping a house clean, getting laundry done, and baking bread. If this were a hundred years ago, maybe I would make some man very happy but these days, I’m about as appealing as a cucumber to guys. The fact is- I won’t find anyone. I won’t be a mother or a wife. At best, I’ll be the caretaker of my parents. There’s nothing wrong with that but I faced a very hard truth yesterday. My parents are getting older. One day, I’ll be where my mom is, but the hard truth of that is that I won’t have a daughter across from me making me feel better. I’ll likely be a miserable old maid with a few cats to go home to.
I know this is a pouty emo journal, guys, but this year has been rotton. I feel like I’ve been defeated on a mental and spiritual level. Physically, I’m exhausted. I think after work (and my dentist appointment) I’m going to just lay down and try to sort through my emotions. I despise whining, I hate feeling like this, and I feel like a selfish piece of trash right now. But- I did want to leave an honest note to you guys. Most people I talk to daily are on tumblr so the odds of letting everyone know why I’m likely not going to be around much is higher here. That and I really don’t want “shoot for the stars!” “you are awesome!” “one in a million!” type talks. They only anger me because I don’t feel any of it is true.
I’ll be about, guys, and eventually I’ll get back to being the mean, emotionally numb thing you all know and tolerate.