I may not be on much today. I spent most of the night sweating out and running to the bathroom. I didn’t rest much, and my mind couldn’t shake a lot of the anxiety that’s been choking me lately. For one, the weekend was spent working to get Snipe moved in and comfortable.
Axel and I swung by my grandparents’ to see how they were doing and… I’ve never seen anything as gut wrenching as the state my grandma is in. She looked like a skeleton with skin and when I hugged her, she felt so impossibly frail. She spoke softly and her eyes would drift in and out when we would speak. I’ve been in a mood lately and I’m really sorry that I’m not myself, but right now things just aren’t too great. My siblings are all going to school and I’m struggling to just get my AAOT. Mom and dad have a lot of financial burdens on them as a result of my siblings and I refuse to be a burden on anyone, so I’m trying to help them where I can. This means a lot of house work and very little time for myself.
My netbook died so I have to replace that. $200+ that I don’t have right now, plus an anti-virus. My Financial Aid advisor is giving me the runaround and right now I’m so done with people that I’ve really withdrawn. I keep bumping into old faces and it’s really doing me little good.
One thing that pisses me off most is people that can’t talk with conviction. I don’t want someone pandering to my beliefs, I want them to be true to theirs. I don’t want to be patronized, I want respect. I show my respect to my friends by being perfectly clear with my beliefs and never once bullshitting them about my convictions but lately I feel that people are telling me what I want to hear or patronizing me to keep from getting into a discussion that makes them uncomfortable. I’d rather brutal honesty than fluffy bullshit. I won’t be attending my 10 year anniversary and frankly I have very little interest in keeping my high school ties anymore. I do favors for people and refuse payment in return, I do them because they ask. I don’t hear a word from them until they need something again. I’m demonized for my beliefs and spoken of the way someone would speak about their weird cousin no one invites to public functions.
I’m tired. Physically, emotionally, and mentally I’m just tired. School starts at the end of the month and I may have to do jury duty. My grandma very well may die within the month and I’ll have to watch my mother break down again and know that there’s not a damn thing I can do. My grandfather’s already calling me an old maid because I’ve never found a relationship for myself and I’ve yet to move out. I appreciate his honesty but having to face my own reality’s not helping my mood any.
Anyway, I’m sure a few people will be wondering where I’m at, why I’m not popping online as much or talking a lot. I owe an explanation and there it is.